A Use for SPAM

I admit, I'm an addict. A very special breed, while not unique in having a vice, I'm just filled with such happiness I can barely contain myself. For some its alcohol, others maybe cigarettes or sex. There are even some addictions for the truely derranged and socially inept. My addiction? More of a fetish really. I need more spam. Lots of it. More messages in my comcast DVR, text messages in my cell phone, computers calling my house, emails that fill up my inbox with all kinds of offers!!! I just wish I could put a chip in my brain just to get MORE SPAM!!

I've been watching for years and now I have successfully devised a way to get more Spam than anybody! My secret? I'm not telling you! But I have a plan with all this spam I have been getting. I am on my way to a better life!

I really want to meet those deparate housewives that want to be naughty while their husband is out of town. Those crazy bitches email me at least 19 times a day. Chill ladies, get some batteries while you wait for the love master to arrive! I really liked the email from Sandy Cracks, she sounded like a real beach vixen. She probably lives somewhere fancy like Malibu and her too-busy-for-sex husband is out banging the metermaid in Venezuela on company time.

Hmm, but first I am going to get me some penis enlargement pills and some sex prolonging pills just to make sure I am the sex god she has always wanted! While I am waiting for my penis to grow, I am going to "Work-at-home making $3000 a day" and be "losing weight guarenteed!" and replying to every chain letter I get just to make sure I don't get any of that bad luck.

I am going to cash in that "Completely free vacation, completely free!" that Sam keeps calling me about. I have my choice of destinations and Vegas is pretty close to Malibu, maybe he'll just let me go to Malibu instead. I'll give him some of my penis enlargement pills, he'll like that. I know, it means sharing my treasure trove but its a small price to pay for getting an STD in Malibu. In fucking Malibu!!

OMG, I almost forgot, Billy Q. Jackson texted me about a watch the other day. I need one of those, plus the deal was too sweet to pass on. "1 1/2 off a Luxury watch"! Holy horney toads a watch were they'll pay ME half the price just to take it? Tell me more baby! Oh wow "Sleek and Gracious...look fabulus and work grate !"!! I've GOT to get me some of those. I need the extra money and I get a watch, what more can you ask for?

A lot actually, cause I am going to take those watches and donate them for cash to the company that sent me a message via my comcast DVR. Paid to take watches, paid to donate watches! I'm going to be a thin lucky work-at-home millionaire sex god with an STD from Malibu! FUCKING MALIBU!!!! Life is perfect!