A Constant Reminder

Anyone that has been on the internet for any amount of time has undoubtedly heard of, or, on randy occasion, participated in a chat room, instant message platform and/or forum. Recently I discovered tucked away on a small corner island of the internet, a term of which I was previously unaware: Flame Warrior. Reading through the different avatars was kind of like reading the internet's version of a Greek Pantheon of Gods. After careful consideration (not really), I find myself drawn to the one affectionately referred to as

The Lurker:



The Lurker does not participate in normal forum discourse, but is out there...watching, reading every message. He is usually quite harmless, and more often than not his silence reflects a natural reticence rather than sinister motives. If a fight breaks out he will quietly observe to avoid revealing his position. Occasionally, however, some mysterious impulse drives him to de-lurk and attack. This totally unexpected assault is universally regarded as an ambush, and other Warriors will turn on him savagely. Lurker seldom sticks around to fight it out, however, and after a brief exchange, once again slips out of sight.

I'd say that's pretty close to me.

In other news, it's that time yet again, for my semi annual AOL chat program download and install festival. I must say that for me, installing an old chat program I used to use is a constant reminder on how scrambled my brain is. Most people pick a nickname and stick with it till death do them part. I just can't seem to choose a nickname and the ones I decide on are usually forgotten or I lose the password and have to make a new account anyway. That's why I like MSN - I just put in my email and I can pick any name I want any time I want. If I wanted to be [.50]{dooRag}[2PAC]"wigga4lyfe" I could be.

I only use AOL because a friend of mine was avoiding MSN - I think she owes the mob money or something... So imagine if you will every 3 months some random message pops up on your screen that says: "theJim571262o4j is sending you an instant message, would you like to read it?" When you open it, the message reads: "HI! SMEE AGAIN!"

I'd hate to look at her buddy list. It probably contains a group labeled JIM with all of my previous nicknames stored there collecting dust:

theJim
theJim45563
theJim12384766fgs
FuzzyBunnySlippers
theJimAgain

I'm sure she probably even has the ones that I have deemed too stupid to list here. I suppose this is my problem more than AOLs but it would be nice if they would just expire accounts that aren't used or paid for in like 90 days. That would allow other people to register those names. I wonder how much database space 4 billion names and account information uses up?

The world may never know.

EDIT: It would appear that AOL has changed their practices since the original writing of this article, but fuck AOL anyway, who needs them?

May Cause Cancer

NEWSFLASH!

Studies show that cancer is on the rise in America. Carcinogens, Trans Fat, Televangelists & Sunshine are all sought for questioning. When asked about this rise in cancer, the Surgeon General has been quoted saying that "[reading] too many tiny warning labels may lead to headaches, sore eyes & lots of ice cream, especially in people over 40 and people from Canada". I'm not sure what that has to do with cancer, but what do I know, I just read the teleprompter.

In a response to these new studies conducted by random citizens who like to wear white coats and name tags, especially after labor day, the president has declared a "War! on Cancer". Several key cabinet members have issued press releases saying they are contacting various super heroes to help in the War! on __________ (noun). Superman and Spiderman were unavailable for comment.

After many minutes of deliberation, and 1 beer chugging contest, a surprising twist has been revealed in the War! on Cancer. Shoes cause cancer. Among all the people diagnosed with, died from, don't have or haven't even been born yet to get cancer, all of them have been sighted wearing shoes. Even the ones in the womb. No word yet on the source of the report of the shoe wearing babies in the womb as those documents are still classified, but hopefully Agent Scully & Agent Mulder can uncover the truth behind those reports.

Sneakers or Tennis shoes are the top runners in the cancer causing protective footwear report, issued by the Center for Disease Control here in the US. Followed closely by cowboy boots, flip flop sandals & even the coveted penny loafer. There really isn't a solution to this growing epidemic at this time, but just for good measure, we have been upgraded to Cerulean Alert! Status. If that color is not available or spelled correctly, Baby Shit Yellow has been chosen by a panel of PTA Moms as an alternate color. Cause everybody knows that Baby Shit is serious business!

There has been talk of mobilizing troops to deal with this new War! on Cancer to eliminate the Axis of Shoes at the root of the problem. The first bombs have already begun falling in the country of 'Made in Taiwan'. The countries of 'Made in China' and 'Made in India' are in peace negotiations as we speak.

When asked, "Why only bomb 'Made in Taiwan'? Why isn't 'Made in USA' considered as an Axis of Shoes? We make shoes don't we?" A top war adviser, who wished to remain anonymous, responded with: "We can't very well bomb ourselves, now can we? However, we are considering all options of engagement. Made in Taiwan had it coming. Besides, have you looked at a map lately? 'Made in China' and 'Made in India' are huge! We probably don't even have that many bombs. Anyway, Halliburton has been contacted for assistance in the cleanup operations, so we expect a full recovery in 'Made in Taiwan'. Thank you."

More on this story as it develops...

Out To Lunch

Someone needs to save me from Chuck Norris! He haunts my dreams, and my internet connection. Everywhere I go I hear Chuck Norris jokes. I play a game, someone says a Chuck Norris joke. I go to a website, someone posts a Chuck Norris joke. Now it's like this little voice that randomly tells a Chuck Norris joke is following me around.

"The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Colman. He hasn't grown since."

GAHHH! See? There it is again!

"One day Chuck Norris sneezed and the city of Atlantis was never seen nor heard from again."

It's going to drive me insane. I suppose some of them are mildly amusing, but some border on obscene. Go on, say one. They're all listening.

"*ahem* The first time Chuck Norris got an erection, he put a hole in the Ozone Layer."

...

"Chuck Norris was on an episode of Survivor once, but the studio had to cut it after he killed everyone on the island when someone ate his Cheetos."

Apparently Chuck Norris can also fly. This is because gravity doesn't mess with Chuck Norris.

"You are wise. Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn either. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow."

Perfect. I have invented a voice in my head that tells me I am wise for knowing the power that is Chuck Norris.

"You didn't invent me! I'm real!"

I can't wait for summer to get here. I've been cooped up for months. Sure, there are winter activities, if there were snow! There's no snow, no ice, no rain. Not even clouds. It's just fucking cold. I thought that snow and cold go hand in hand, but apparently, snow took a sabbatical this year.

"Snow is on medical leave after a run in with Chuck Norris, actually."

I went outside to walk the dog and figured if I stayed mobile, we could make it work. I had on my winter gear, gloves, hat, boots, the works.

"Now you're just ignoring me. How childish are you?"

I ran around playing with my new puppy for about 10 minutes until I realized, I couldn't feel my extremities. And I think a booger froze IN my nose. So, other than failing to stay outside for more than 10 minutes at any given point in time this frozen non-snowing winter, I've been playing World of Warcraft for the past 3-4 months, which doesn't really lend itself to exciting conversation. I let my subscription lapse just because I needed something else to talk about. Oh, and to get away from the verbal diarrhea that is Chuck Norris jokes.

"Chuck Norris actually doesn't know how to swim, but water is just too afraid to do anything about it."

OMG, if I even mention his name, out pops another Chuck Norris joke.

"Chuck Norris uses his penis to look around corners."

See, now that's just plain wrong. I'm leaving.

"What did I say? Wait, come back! Aw, c'mon, I was just kidding! Okay it doesn't look around corners, but Chuck Norris can submerge himself and breathe from his erect penis like a snorkel."

...

"tee hee! A snorkel. That was a good one."

Super Bowling for Concubines

"Celebrities are comming! Celebrities are comming! Hurry up fo' its too late! Come on down to Shitload O' Jewels and get yo' bling in time for that Super Bowl thang! Don't be caught at that fly bitches' party without yo' bling! The more you get, the less she'll spit!"

Okay, so that wasn't exactly what the obnoxious commercial announcer said word for word, but it wasn't too far off. Commercials like that sprang up two weeks before Super Bowl Sunday faster than your dad looking at online porno for the first time. It was like a veritable ghetto superstore blowout complete with insulting target demographic slang and disclaimer: "no returns, exchanges or refunds" flashing at the bottom of every commercial. The commercials ranged the gambit from leather coats, fur coats, shoes (2 for!), 'bling' of course & even Cadillac Escalade rental commercials! Yes, there were commercials advertising specifically Cadillac Escalade rentals.

Nice.

I think that is just the head of a long string of bad commercials with stupid premise or that feed inept commercialism. Like the KFC commercial "You're the Boss!". In this commercial, they talk about now at KFC you get to choose your toppings at their new "Makin' Station!". So now, I'm the boss and I'm empowered and dammit! If I want secret sauce on my mystery meat chicken, I don't have to worry, because dammit, I'm the boss!

Man, that's such a relief. I can't remember the last time I got to choose my own topping. The other day at McDonald's I was like, "May I please have some Hot Mustard for my wonderfully delicious chicken McNuggets?" and the attendant was all like "No bitch, you're getting ketchup and you are going to eat it and like it!"

*sigh* If only I had gone to KFC I could have been my own boss and picked my own toppings. I sat in the corner and hung my head in shame while eating my McMystery Meat with ketchup. I could hear them all laughing and high-fiving each other and I just wished that for once I had a choice. *sniff*

So last night a woman visited me and said her name was Helen Hanbasket. I thought that was pretty strange, but even weirder she handed me a flier. It looked kind of like a bus stop brochure with two points on it. One point was a dot that said birth and the other was a dot that said Hell in big red letters. There was a line drawn between the two with a circle on the line somewhere in the middle that read: "You are here."

What's that all about? Ah who cares, a Friends rerun was on TV. Man that Joey's a hoot isn't he?

x_X

Have Gun, Will Travel

About the most interesting thing to happen to me in the past few months is the fact that I have $20 bet on the Super Bowl. It's not even a real "who's going to win" bet, cause I couldn't care less about that, it's one of those 100 people chip in for squares. I think I got screwed for numbers, but it doesn't appear rigged. Not by the usual suspects anyway.

Did I mention boredom? Up to Christmas and directly after that week we spent in AZ, it has been daily life crap. I guess playing video games counts as entertaining, but other than that, not much going on but the rent.

We started remodeling the guest bedroom, but that is almost complete. Oh that reminds me, I almost died yesterday. Apparently, one of the plugs in the bedroom is connected to the bathroom circuit. As I was replacing the electrical outlets and light switches, I got to the very last one and popped the screws out and grabbed both sides to pull it out from the wall and MOTHERFUCKING ZAP! It's not the first time I've been electrocuted, and probably won't be the last.

I felt the shock through my entire body. Every muscle in my body tensed up, legs, arms, face and then I think my muscles shaking is what dislodged me from the electrician's death trap. I think it burnt my fingernails on the sub atomic level, cause they still sting. I think i am going to buy a plug tester seeing as I can't rely on electricians to wire shit properly, or at least label properly.

Curious about the first time I got electrocuted? I was like 6, maybe 7 and my mom was doing her hair in the bathroom and I got a hold of thin sewing scissors. The kind that are only meant for thread and are so thin, you can bend them if you look at them wrong.

"Now where can I stick these...Oh! There we go" *insert into plug outlet* *sound of zapping, scissors melt which dislodges me from the socket causing me to fall* My mom said I made a strange humming noise and she looked over and saw me fall while holding melted scissors. It just goes to show you that sometimes, what appears to be considered "child abuse" in today's fucked up world of sue happy and jail happy ignorant people, is simply stupid kids doing stupid things when parents aren't looking.

If I was a cat, I'd say I've used 2 or 3 of my nine lives at least. I try to limit my electrocutions to once a decade. I feel you can have too much of a good thing. Now to get back to normal boring winter routine. Anyone have any suggestions on stuff to do? Have gun, will travel. :)