May Cause Cancer

NEWSFLASH!

Studies show that cancer is on the rise in America. Carcinogens, Trans Fat, Televangelists & Sunshine are all sought for questioning. When asked about this rise in cancer, the Surgeon General has been quoted saying that "[reading] too many tiny warning labels may lead to headaches, sore eyes & lots of ice cream, especially in people over 40 and people from Canada". I'm not sure what that has to do with cancer, but what do I know, I just read the teleprompter.

In a response to these new studies conducted by random citizens who like to wear white coats and name tags, especially after labor day, the president has declared a "War! on Cancer". Several key cabinet members have issued press releases saying they are contacting various super heroes to help in the War! on __________ (noun). Superman and Spiderman were unavailable for comment.

After many minutes of deliberation, and 1 beer chugging contest, a surprising twist has been revealed in the War! on Cancer. Shoes cause cancer. Among all the people diagnosed with, died from, don't have or haven't even been born yet to get cancer, all of them have been sighted wearing shoes. Even the ones in the womb. No word yet on the source of the report of the shoe wearing babies in the womb as those documents are still classified, but hopefully Agent Scully & Agent Mulder can uncover the truth behind those reports.

Sneakers or Tennis shoes are the top runners in the cancer causing protective footwear report, issued by the Center for Disease Control here in the US. Followed closely by cowboy boots, flip flop sandals & even the coveted penny loafer. There really isn't a solution to this growing epidemic at this time, but just for good measure, we have been upgraded to Cerulean Alert! Status. If that color is not available or spelled correctly, Baby Shit Yellow has been chosen by a panel of PTA Moms as an alternate color. Cause everybody knows that Baby Shit is serious business!

There has been talk of mobilizing troops to deal with this new War! on Cancer to eliminate the Axis of Shoes at the root of the problem. The first bombs have already begun falling in the country of 'Made in Taiwan'. The countries of 'Made in China' and 'Made in India' are in peace negotiations as we speak.

When asked, "Why only bomb 'Made in Taiwan'? Why isn't 'Made in USA' considered as an Axis of Shoes? We make shoes don't we?" A top war adviser, who wished to remain anonymous, responded with: "We can't very well bomb ourselves, now can we? However, we are considering all options of engagement. Made in Taiwan had it coming. Besides, have you looked at a map lately? 'Made in China' and 'Made in India' are huge! We probably don't even have that many bombs. Anyway, Halliburton has been contacted for assistance in the cleanup operations, so we expect a full recovery in 'Made in Taiwan'. Thank you."

More on this story as it develops...