A Constant Reminder

Anyone that has been on the internet for any amount of time has undoubtedly heard of, or, on randy occasion, participated in a chat room, instant message platform and/or forum. Recently I discovered tucked away on a small corner island of the internet, a term of which I was previously unaware: Flame Warrior. Reading through the different avatars was kind of like reading the internet's version of a Greek Pantheon of Gods. After careful consideration (not really), I find myself drawn to the one affectionately referred to as

The Lurker:



The Lurker does not participate in normal forum discourse, but is out there...watching, reading every message. He is usually quite harmless, and more often than not his silence reflects a natural reticence rather than sinister motives. If a fight breaks out he will quietly observe to avoid revealing his position. Occasionally, however, some mysterious impulse drives him to de-lurk and attack. This totally unexpected assault is universally regarded as an ambush, and other Warriors will turn on him savagely. Lurker seldom sticks around to fight it out, however, and after a brief exchange, once again slips out of sight.

I'd say that's pretty close to me.

In other news, it's that time yet again, for my semi annual AOL chat program download and install festival. I must say that for me, installing an old chat program I used to use is a constant reminder on how scrambled my brain is. Most people pick a nickname and stick with it till death do them part. I just can't seem to choose a nickname and the ones I decide on are usually forgotten or I lose the password and have to make a new account anyway. That's why I like MSN - I just put in my email and I can pick any name I want any time I want. If I wanted to be [.50]{dooRag}[2PAC]"wigga4lyfe" I could be.

I only use AOL because a friend of mine was avoiding MSN - I think she owes the mob money or something... So imagine if you will every 3 months some random message pops up on your screen that says: "theJim571262o4j is sending you an instant message, would you like to read it?" When you open it, the message reads: "HI! SMEE AGAIN!"

I'd hate to look at her buddy list. It probably contains a group labeled JIM with all of my previous nicknames stored there collecting dust:

theJim
theJim45563
theJim12384766fgs
FuzzyBunnySlippers
theJimAgain

I'm sure she probably even has the ones that I have deemed too stupid to list here. I suppose this is my problem more than AOLs but it would be nice if they would just expire accounts that aren't used or paid for in like 90 days. That would allow other people to register those names. I wonder how much database space 4 billion names and account information uses up?

The world may never know.

EDIT: It would appear that AOL has changed their practices since the original writing of this article, but fuck AOL anyway, who needs them?

May Cause Cancer

NEWSFLASH!

Studies show that cancer is on the rise in America. Carcinogens, Trans Fat, Televangelists & Sunshine are all sought for questioning. When asked about this rise in cancer, the Surgeon General has been quoted saying that "[reading] too many tiny warning labels may lead to headaches, sore eyes & lots of ice cream, especially in people over 40 and people from Canada". I'm not sure what that has to do with cancer, but what do I know, I just read the teleprompter.

In a response to these new studies conducted by random citizens who like to wear white coats and name tags, especially after labor day, the president has declared a "War! on Cancer". Several key cabinet members have issued press releases saying they are contacting various super heroes to help in the War! on __________ (noun). Superman and Spiderman were unavailable for comment.

After many minutes of deliberation, and 1 beer chugging contest, a surprising twist has been revealed in the War! on Cancer. Shoes cause cancer. Among all the people diagnosed with, died from, don't have or haven't even been born yet to get cancer, all of them have been sighted wearing shoes. Even the ones in the womb. No word yet on the source of the report of the shoe wearing babies in the womb as those documents are still classified, but hopefully Agent Scully & Agent Mulder can uncover the truth behind those reports.

Sneakers or Tennis shoes are the top runners in the cancer causing protective footwear report, issued by the Center for Disease Control here in the US. Followed closely by cowboy boots, flip flop sandals & even the coveted penny loafer. There really isn't a solution to this growing epidemic at this time, but just for good measure, we have been upgraded to Cerulean Alert! Status. If that color is not available or spelled correctly, Baby Shit Yellow has been chosen by a panel of PTA Moms as an alternate color. Cause everybody knows that Baby Shit is serious business!

There has been talk of mobilizing troops to deal with this new War! on Cancer to eliminate the Axis of Shoes at the root of the problem. The first bombs have already begun falling in the country of 'Made in Taiwan'. The countries of 'Made in China' and 'Made in India' are in peace negotiations as we speak.

When asked, "Why only bomb 'Made in Taiwan'? Why isn't 'Made in USA' considered as an Axis of Shoes? We make shoes don't we?" A top war adviser, who wished to remain anonymous, responded with: "We can't very well bomb ourselves, now can we? However, we are considering all options of engagement. Made in Taiwan had it coming. Besides, have you looked at a map lately? 'Made in China' and 'Made in India' are huge! We probably don't even have that many bombs. Anyway, Halliburton has been contacted for assistance in the cleanup operations, so we expect a full recovery in 'Made in Taiwan'. Thank you."

More on this story as it develops...

Out To Lunch

Someone needs to save me from Chuck Norris! He haunts my dreams, and my internet connection. Everywhere I go I hear Chuck Norris jokes. I play a game, someone says a Chuck Norris joke. I go to a website, someone posts a Chuck Norris joke. Now it's like this little voice that randomly tells a Chuck Norris joke is following me around.

"The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Colman. He hasn't grown since."

GAHHH! See? There it is again!

"One day Chuck Norris sneezed and the city of Atlantis was never seen nor heard from again."

It's going to drive me insane. I suppose some of them are mildly amusing, but some border on obscene. Go on, say one. They're all listening.

"*ahem* The first time Chuck Norris got an erection, he put a hole in the Ozone Layer."

...

"Chuck Norris was on an episode of Survivor once, but the studio had to cut it after he killed everyone on the island when someone ate his Cheetos."

Apparently Chuck Norris can also fly. This is because gravity doesn't mess with Chuck Norris.

"You are wise. Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn either. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow."

Perfect. I have invented a voice in my head that tells me I am wise for knowing the power that is Chuck Norris.

"You didn't invent me! I'm real!"

I can't wait for summer to get here. I've been cooped up for months. Sure, there are winter activities, if there were snow! There's no snow, no ice, no rain. Not even clouds. It's just fucking cold. I thought that snow and cold go hand in hand, but apparently, snow took a sabbatical this year.

"Snow is on medical leave after a run in with Chuck Norris, actually."

I went outside to walk the dog and figured if I stayed mobile, we could make it work. I had on my winter gear, gloves, hat, boots, the works.

"Now you're just ignoring me. How childish are you?"

I ran around playing with my new puppy for about 10 minutes until I realized, I couldn't feel my extremities. And I think a booger froze IN my nose. So, other than failing to stay outside for more than 10 minutes at any given point in time this frozen non-snowing winter, I've been playing World of Warcraft for the past 3-4 months, which doesn't really lend itself to exciting conversation. I let my subscription lapse just because I needed something else to talk about. Oh, and to get away from the verbal diarrhea that is Chuck Norris jokes.

"Chuck Norris actually doesn't know how to swim, but water is just too afraid to do anything about it."

OMG, if I even mention his name, out pops another Chuck Norris joke.

"Chuck Norris uses his penis to look around corners."

See, now that's just plain wrong. I'm leaving.

"What did I say? Wait, come back! Aw, c'mon, I was just kidding! Okay it doesn't look around corners, but Chuck Norris can submerge himself and breathe from his erect penis like a snorkel."

...

"tee hee! A snorkel. That was a good one."