My Nemesis, Part 2

It had become a morning ritual. Every morning the woodpecker would drill on the outside of the house. My wife would wake up and startle the hell outta me by banging on the wall. I'd get up to try and kill the woodpecker and she'd remind me to put on clothes. One morning my wife hit the wall so hard, I expected to wake up and see her hand through the wall. I imagined her pulling back a fist full of feathers after having choked the shit outta that bird.

Goddamn woodpecker is making me exhausted and I don't have the energy to kill 200 bugs a day just to stem the tide (see: Block Party). I was outside looking for the woodpecker, clothed of course, and I noticed something strange. Expecting to see a woodpecker's ass on the side of the house, imagine my surprise when instead saw his head. He was looking back at me, from inside my house! I run out at him trying to shoo him away, but he pops back into the hole in the attic he has made. He was like that annoying frenchman from Monty Python & the Holy Grail - taunting me from the rampart.

I must be the world's biggest jackass, cause I went back in the house, and squeezed up into the attic by way of a 2'x2' square to wait for the bird. So I'm in the attic with a bb gun for like an hour. My ass hurts, I'm hunched over and its hot as hell. With no sign of the infidel, I finally give up and go back outside and find him perched on the tree just outside the hole. As he sees me, he flies back into the attic.

At this point I am looking around for the camera crew and the little kid controlling a mechanical bird while giggling manically. Obviously I'm not that lucky. I go get the electric saw, liquid nails, and some scrap 1x4 I had laying around and McGyver a thick woodpecker door (minus the hinges) and truge up into the attic and try to seal up the hole.

I stretch out to reach the far corner and apply my "woodpecker-be-gone device (tm)" while trying not to either impale myself on the 4 inch shingle spikes or glue my hand to my face. I have breathed in so many insulation fibers that I think I might die soon. My death will be meaningless if I can't get rid of this nuisance.

I have not had a better nights sleep. That night was an uninterrupted heavenly bliss. The next morning I was downstairs lamenting over my victory at breakfast when I hear "tap tap tap tap" on the other side of the house just as I was about to take a bite of cereal. Son of a...