After getting married I expected to give up a few things here and there. I'm not fully neutered yet, but it won't long before the men in white coats show up with the tin snips. I have however, learned that when my wife has a project in mind, it's best just to go along with it. Its safer that way.
We decided to host Thanksgiving this year as we wanted the opportunity to let our families see the new house. There's just one problem: wallpaper, lots and lots of wallpaper. The previous owners had wallpaper on the brain. I think whoever wallpapered our house needed something to do, because they even wallpapered the grates. Not just in any old way, but they actually took the time to line up the patterns perfectly and cut little strips and glue them to each fan on the grates.
It's all flower wallpaper from the 80's too. My wife's mom loves the wallpaper. I told her she can have it when we are done ripping it off the wall if she really likes it. I am probably going to put a peice in a box for her and give it to her as a gag christmas gift.
I have to say, despite being up all night till 4 am, our bedroom and the downstairs bathroom are looking sweet. Our bedroom is now a Tuscany style and the downstair bathroom is tiled modern contemporary. Tile and crown moulding are a bitch to install. Not really hard, it just takes a LOT of time to try and make all the pieces fit perfectly. I had some good news in that I got to play with power tools for like 8 hours a day. We ended up buying a wet tile saw cause it was $50 to rent, or $90 to buy.
Home improvements are fun and I'm glad my wife is a slave driver cause my lazy ass needs motivation. :) I've got the home improvement bug we just have to break for a few months to save some more money, what with the holidays approaching. We just finished the bathroom project and the house looks like a bomb went off. *sigh* Time to clean up the mess.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Monday, September 12, 2005
My Nemesis, Part 2
It had become a morning ritual. Every morning the woodpecker would drill on the outside of the house. My wife would wake up and startle the hell outta me by banging on the wall. I'd get up to try and kill the woodpecker and she'd remind me to put on clothes. One morning my wife hit the wall so hard, I expected to wake up and see her hand through the wall. I imagined her pulling back a fist full of feathers after having choked the shit outta that bird.
Goddamn woodpecker is making me exhausted and I don't have the energy to kill 200 bugs a day just to stem the tide (see: Block Party). I was outside looking for the woodpecker, clothed of course, and I noticed something strange. Expecting to see a woodpecker's ass on the side of the house, imagine my surprise when instead saw his head. He was looking back at me, from inside my house! I run out at him trying to shoo him away, but he pops back into the hole in the attic he has made. He was like that annoying frenchman from Monty Python & the Holy Grail - taunting me from the rampart.
I must be the world's biggest jackass, cause I went back in the house, and squeezed up into the attic by way of a 2'x2' square to wait for the bird. So I'm in the attic with a bb gun for like an hour. My ass hurts, I'm hunched over and its hot as hell. With no sign of the infidel, I finally give up and go back outside and find him perched on the tree just outside the hole. As he sees me, he flies back into the attic.
At this point I am looking around for the camera crew and the little kid controlling a mechanical bird while giggling manically. Obviously I'm not that lucky. I go get the electric saw, liquid nails, and some scrap 1x4 I had laying around and McGyver a thick woodpecker door (minus the hinges) and truge up into the attic and try to seal up the hole.
I stretch out to reach the far corner and apply my "woodpecker-be-gone device (tm)" while trying not to either impale myself on the 4 inch shingle spikes or glue my hand to my face. I have breathed in so many insulation fibers that I think I might die soon. My death will be meaningless if I can't get rid of this nuisance.
I have not had a better nights sleep. That night was an uninterrupted heavenly bliss. The next morning I was downstairs lamenting over my victory at breakfast when I hear "tap tap tap tap" on the other side of the house just as I was about to take a bite of cereal. Son of a...
Goddamn woodpecker is making me exhausted and I don't have the energy to kill 200 bugs a day just to stem the tide (see: Block Party). I was outside looking for the woodpecker, clothed of course, and I noticed something strange. Expecting to see a woodpecker's ass on the side of the house, imagine my surprise when instead saw his head. He was looking back at me, from inside my house! I run out at him trying to shoo him away, but he pops back into the hole in the attic he has made. He was like that annoying frenchman from Monty Python & the Holy Grail - taunting me from the rampart.
I must be the world's biggest jackass, cause I went back in the house, and squeezed up into the attic by way of a 2'x2' square to wait for the bird. So I'm in the attic with a bb gun for like an hour. My ass hurts, I'm hunched over and its hot as hell. With no sign of the infidel, I finally give up and go back outside and find him perched on the tree just outside the hole. As he sees me, he flies back into the attic.
At this point I am looking around for the camera crew and the little kid controlling a mechanical bird while giggling manically. Obviously I'm not that lucky. I go get the electric saw, liquid nails, and some scrap 1x4 I had laying around and McGyver a thick woodpecker door (minus the hinges) and truge up into the attic and try to seal up the hole.
I stretch out to reach the far corner and apply my "woodpecker-be-gone device (tm)" while trying not to either impale myself on the 4 inch shingle spikes or glue my hand to my face. I have breathed in so many insulation fibers that I think I might die soon. My death will be meaningless if I can't get rid of this nuisance.
I have not had a better nights sleep. That night was an uninterrupted heavenly bliss. The next morning I was downstairs lamenting over my victory at breakfast when I hear "tap tap tap tap" on the other side of the house just as I was about to take a bite of cereal. Son of a...
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Block Party
Here come the bugs! Today I have killed 4 spiders, 37 rollie pollies, 104 mosquitos, 13 ants, 1 monster sized mosquito (like an inch long), 1 centipede & some moths.
I ran from a giant wasp, got the crap scared out of me by the neighborhood cat that jumped at the bay window to eat a bug and found a dead lizard. I didn't even know Michigan had lizards.
Whoever said there was a party at my house needs to be slapped or at the very least bring some chips and dip. I love the birds, rabbits, cats, oversized squirrels and well fed chipmonks. They're on the guest list. Even the occasional deer can stop by for a drink. But I feel like Alan in Jumanji - "In the jungle you will wait, until the dice read five or eight."
One of these days my wife is going to find me dead stuck to the wall by spider webs. The more I kill, the bigger they get. But I learned my lesson - AHHH!! BUG!!! SMASH!!!
I ran from a giant wasp, got the crap scared out of me by the neighborhood cat that jumped at the bay window to eat a bug and found a dead lizard. I didn't even know Michigan had lizards.
Whoever said there was a party at my house needs to be slapped or at the very least bring some chips and dip. I love the birds, rabbits, cats, oversized squirrels and well fed chipmonks. They're on the guest list. Even the occasional deer can stop by for a drink. But I feel like Alan in Jumanji - "In the jungle you will wait, until the dice read five or eight."
One of these days my wife is going to find me dead stuck to the wall by spider webs. The more I kill, the bigger they get. But I learned my lesson - AHHH!! BUG!!! SMASH!!!
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