A Minor Problem

...one that could lead to major issues of the dental variety. You see, I have a bit of a sweet tooth. Chocolate is my drug of choice. I don't think it's an aphrodisiac, it's just so damn tasty. Hershey, Dove, Trobolone, you name it, I love it. I'm not an addict... I'm not! I just can't help but swipe one or two, ahem, handfuls from the jar at the (dentist, doctor, break room, coffee table)...

What? They are there to take. Right?

So about this time every year, Halloween candy goes on sale. I can normally avoid the big bags because they cost so much, except now, when they are all on sale! On weekends I occasionally help out with the shopping despite my loathing of said activity. Due to my lack of willpower, during this time of year I dread getting the list of places to buy candy, er, shop at. A typical list might include: Drugstore, Grocery Store, Home Depot, Hardware Store and Pizza Place.

With a list like that, I'll have 4 bags of candy and a pocketful of mints by the time I am done. WTF? I don't even know how it gets there, and sometimes I think I steal it, but no, it's right there on the reciept. I suspect the clerk lady secretly scans it and stuffs it into the bag. Probably while I am reading the stupid National Enquirer headlines.

One activity I love almost as much as eating candy, is giving candy to other people. It's the "you've got to try this!" mentality I have where I just want to share good things with everybody. I remember as a kid I had a 1 track mind on repeat: "get candy...get candy...get candy". So I'd like to give back to society by feeding a child's desire of getting candy. Jerry Seinfeld said it best about Halloween: "What, people are just GIVING away candy?! ...I can wear that."

This year, as you know, my lovely wife and I just moved into a new house in a nice neighborhood with lots of kids. Previously the past two years in our old apartment we would get dressed up with candy at the ready, and get like 2 knocks at the door all night. This year we know for a fact there will be kids everywhere! So we bought a couple hundred peices of candy.

Because my wife has married someone who is closing on 30, thinks he's still 20 and acts like he's 10, candy in our house is something kept under lock and key. My wife is very sweet and wants to let me have full access to our treasure trove of candy. She however knows me better than I know myself. Whereas she can eat a peice a day, I can eat a peice an hour. She left for work one day and I tore the house upside down looking for the loot. I never found it. She hides things very well apparently. I now know that along with Chef, I can add Forensic Pathologist and Crime Scene Investigator to the list of things I will never be. I can't find the brown in a paper bag apparently.

I found out that she will be out of town this halloween and I will be working. As a result she unchecked the hide attribute on the 'bag o candy' and it appeared in the living room. Not sure what we are going to do with 400 peices of candy. She'll take some to work, I might take some and bury it in the back yard like a squirrel, and we'll probably leave the rest in a bag on the porch for halloween. We know that the first kid to come alone will walk off with the entire bag, but since we can't be there for trick or treating, that will have to do.

Update: I failed in my restraint and moderate candy eating, so I asked her to hide the candy again. I'll stick to the scary movies and pumpkin carving aspect of this holiday. A minor problem? Yeah, you could say that...