...one that could lead to major issues of the dental variety. You see, I have a bit of a sweet tooth. Chocolate is my drug of choice. I don't think it's an aphrodisiac, it's just so damn tasty. Hershey, Dove, Trobolone, you name it, I love it. I'm not an addict... I'm not! I just can't help but swipe one or two, ahem, handfuls from the jar at the (dentist, doctor, break room, coffee table)...
What? They are there to take. Right?
So about this time every year, Halloween candy goes on sale. I can normally avoid the big bags because they cost so much, except now, when they are all on sale! On weekends I occasionally help out with the shopping despite my loathing of said activity. Due to my lack of willpower, during this time of year I dread getting the list of places to buy candy, er, shop at. A typical list might include: Drugstore, Grocery Store, Home Depot, Hardware Store and Pizza Place.
With a list like that, I'll have 4 bags of candy and a pocketful of mints by the time I am done. WTF? I don't even know how it gets there, and sometimes I think I steal it, but no, it's right there on the reciept. I suspect the clerk lady secretly scans it and stuffs it into the bag. Probably while I am reading the stupid National Enquirer headlines.
One activity I love almost as much as eating candy, is giving candy to other people. It's the "you've got to try this!" mentality I have where I just want to share good things with everybody. I remember as a kid I had a 1 track mind on repeat: "get candy...get candy...get candy". So I'd like to give back to society by feeding a child's desire of getting candy. Jerry Seinfeld said it best about Halloween: "What, people are just GIVING away candy?! ...I can wear that."
This year, as you know, my lovely wife and I just moved into a new house in a nice neighborhood with lots of kids. Previously the past two years in our old apartment we would get dressed up with candy at the ready, and get like 2 knocks at the door all night. This year we know for a fact there will be kids everywhere! So we bought a couple hundred peices of candy.
Because my wife has married someone who is closing on 30, thinks he's still 20 and acts like he's 10, candy in our house is something kept under lock and key. My wife is very sweet and wants to let me have full access to our treasure trove of candy. She however knows me better than I know myself. Whereas she can eat a peice a day, I can eat a peice an hour. She left for work one day and I tore the house upside down looking for the loot. I never found it. She hides things very well apparently. I now know that along with Chef, I can add Forensic Pathologist and Crime Scene Investigator to the list of things I will never be. I can't find the brown in a paper bag apparently.
I found out that she will be out of town this halloween and I will be working. As a result she unchecked the hide attribute on the 'bag o candy' and it appeared in the living room. Not sure what we are going to do with 400 peices of candy. She'll take some to work, I might take some and bury it in the back yard like a squirrel, and we'll probably leave the rest in a bag on the porch for halloween. We know that the first kid to come alone will walk off with the entire bag, but since we can't be there for trick or treating, that will have to do.
Update: I failed in my restraint and moderate candy eating, so I asked her to hide the candy again. I'll stick to the scary movies and pumpkin carving aspect of this holiday. A minor problem? Yeah, you could say that...
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Mostly Harmless
It's not like I've been the fat kid in little league that always gets picked last, but I sure never get picked first. All along I figured I just wasn't destined to be popular. More recently I've begun to understand my lot in life. I'm mostly harmless yet totally clueless and kinda clumsy, as anyone who knows me has probably concluded. While those traits are sometimes cute and not enough to get picked on about, they don't exactly win votes for homecomming king.
I work hard at my job, I obey my wife, try new things, spend time with friends and family and play the lotto at least once a week for a dollar. Hey, it only takes one to win. I figure if there is 1 in 12 billion chance that an asteroid will kill all life on earth and some theorize that in 875 years one WILL hit our little blue planet (source: www.space.com), we might want to consider moving to Mars or risk having a really bad 3rd millenia. At least we should play the lotto and enjoy what little time we have left.
To those of you who think I'm whipped for obeying my wife, trust me guys, its easier that way. My wife and I have very hard heads and each want to do things our own way. I get a voice in the important things and that's all that matters so I'll take a backseat to everything else. Besides, I get my sippy cup refilled every now and again and my diapers don't leak too badly. Having to wear the damn helmet around the house after my "Silent Like Ninja" episode kinda sucks though. I overheard them say something about "special needs". What do I care? I got ice cream, bitches! :)
The other day I ate the last of the homemade salsa which was kind of greedy of me since I think I ate ALL of it from start to finish. I wanted to help out and decided to go to the store and pickup more ingredients. Aside from surprising my wife with good salsa, I also wanted to learn to make it myself. You see, my favorite food is mexican and me learning to make salsa would be like giving the cave man fire.
Speaking of fire...how hard can it be to make salsa? It requires none of this thermal substance what-so-ever! Well I'm not sure how I fucked it up, but I'll try to retrace my steps:
Start with the list, it's where anything starts when cooking is involved, even if shit is no bake. Jalapeno Peppers, check! Tomatoes, check! Cilantro (the leafy stuff), Onion, & a pinch of salt, check!
Step 1: Remove the liquid and seeds from the tomatoes and dice.
Hrmm, I didn't see dice on the list of things to buy...why do you need dice for salsa? Ok, skipping the dice. How do I get the liquid out of these tomatos? Cut the top off and squeeze of course! Fuck! That was messy. I'll have to clean that up later after it dries. Ok, lets try cutting them in half and scraping the insides. Fuck! That was even messier. I liked those shoes too. Ok, next tomato. Hmm, maybe if I cut the top off I can just suck out the seeds. That worked fairly well, but in retrospect I probably shouldn't put that one in the salsa. It tasted pretty good, but now I had one less tomato for the salsa. Shouldn't hurt right?
Step 2: Chop a handful of cilantro.
How big is a handful? I got pretty big hands. I grabbed a grubby fistful of leafy goodness and chopped away. I figured my hand wasn't part of the recipe so I was careful. Man, its really hard to chop leaves. What the fuck, don't we have a grinder or something for this shit?
Step 3: Cut jalapenos in half, remove half or most of the seeds. Dice very tiny.
But I don't have any dice. Maybe they mean chop very tiny? They need to fire whoever edited this article for content. Ok, I have two peppers that are roughly the same size. So if I cut one in half, I can take out all of its seeds, then just chop the hell out of the other one. Man this part is easy. Hmm, this next one seems to have a few more seeds than the first...
Step 4: Combine in bowl, add a pinch of sea salt.
What's a pinch? I got pretty big fingers. *looks up pinch* Well that was decidedly un-helpful. Maybe they mean teaspoon?. Ok, I'll add that and mix it all together and put it in the fridge and get to cleaning up this mess...huh? What's this unchopped onion doing here? I'll just put that back in the drawer and get back to cleaning...
In review, it turns out I am REALLY bad at this. I forgot onions completely, was missing an entire tomato on account of I ate it and then added enough sea salt to kill a small animal. Also, as I found out, all of the heat from a jalepeno comes from the seeds. My masterpeice of delicious was less along the lines of delicious edible concoction and more like the Dead Sea Salt Salsa from Hell. On top of all that, when I was done cleaning the kitchen I still smelled like ingredients and jalapenos. After washing my hands twice just to be sure, I still smelled like peppers.
Mistake 1: I put my finger in my mouth to bite my nail (a very bad habit I know) and lit myself on fire. My hands still had hot peppers on them! How the fuck?? Ow, dammit, my tongue! Now, I'm trying to wash my hands again I splash water on my face.
Mistake 2: I instinctively reach up to wipe my nose and eyes with my hands, cause I had water up there, yo. Shrieking ensues, small animals & birds in the backyard run for cover. Shrieking continues for several minutes and I wipe a few more times to remove the burn...
At this point I'm in the kitchen clamoring around blind as a bat with my eyes, nostrils and tongue on fire trying to find something, anything! I can't see shit and OMG it burns! I didn't even know a nose could burn from pepper juice! After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to use my screaming as sonar to find something like the sink to wash my eyes out, I give up and just stand there to let the burn go away enough on its own so I can see again. I really wish it would stop, I have to pee. (that's a whole other event we just won't go into here) I had kind of a mess to clean up that night.
When my wife got home I forget to tell her about my salsa event, but she did comment on how clean the kitchen looked. I can only describe the sound the emanated from the kitchen as Satan giving birth. I sat on the couch frozen in place staring at the doorway to the kitchen as the screaming continued for several minutes. My first instinct was to hide, but I don't think that would do very much if the house burnt down around me.
She wasn't THAT angry for long. I think she felt sorry for my culinary skills, or lack thereof. Bio-hazard I think was the term she used to describe my cooking. I was also banned from using the kitchen for a week.
So my skills in the kitchen arena remain as of yet limited to tacos, steak, hot-dogs, mashed potatoes (usually), ribs and anything out of a can. Oh, and I am STILL looking for all the goddamn dried tomato seeds. Who knew that when tomato seeds dry they are goddamn cemented to whatever surface they dried on and are impossibly small to see?!
*sigh* Chef Jim I am not. Mostly harmless? You betcha.
I work hard at my job, I obey my wife, try new things, spend time with friends and family and play the lotto at least once a week for a dollar. Hey, it only takes one to win. I figure if there is 1 in 12 billion chance that an asteroid will kill all life on earth and some theorize that in 875 years one WILL hit our little blue planet (source: www.space.com), we might want to consider moving to Mars or risk having a really bad 3rd millenia. At least we should play the lotto and enjoy what little time we have left.
To those of you who think I'm whipped for obeying my wife, trust me guys, its easier that way. My wife and I have very hard heads and each want to do things our own way. I get a voice in the important things and that's all that matters so I'll take a backseat to everything else. Besides, I get my sippy cup refilled every now and again and my diapers don't leak too badly. Having to wear the damn helmet around the house after my "Silent Like Ninja" episode kinda sucks though. I overheard them say something about "special needs". What do I care? I got ice cream, bitches! :)
The other day I ate the last of the homemade salsa which was kind of greedy of me since I think I ate ALL of it from start to finish. I wanted to help out and decided to go to the store and pickup more ingredients. Aside from surprising my wife with good salsa, I also wanted to learn to make it myself. You see, my favorite food is mexican and me learning to make salsa would be like giving the cave man fire.
Speaking of fire...how hard can it be to make salsa? It requires none of this thermal substance what-so-ever! Well I'm not sure how I fucked it up, but I'll try to retrace my steps:
Start with the list, it's where anything starts when cooking is involved, even if shit is no bake. Jalapeno Peppers, check! Tomatoes, check! Cilantro (the leafy stuff), Onion, & a pinch of salt, check!
Step 1: Remove the liquid and seeds from the tomatoes and dice.
Hrmm, I didn't see dice on the list of things to buy...why do you need dice for salsa? Ok, skipping the dice. How do I get the liquid out of these tomatos? Cut the top off and squeeze of course! Fuck! That was messy. I'll have to clean that up later after it dries. Ok, lets try cutting them in half and scraping the insides. Fuck! That was even messier. I liked those shoes too. Ok, next tomato. Hmm, maybe if I cut the top off I can just suck out the seeds. That worked fairly well, but in retrospect I probably shouldn't put that one in the salsa. It tasted pretty good, but now I had one less tomato for the salsa. Shouldn't hurt right?
Step 2: Chop a handful of cilantro.
How big is a handful? I got pretty big hands. I grabbed a grubby fistful of leafy goodness and chopped away. I figured my hand wasn't part of the recipe so I was careful. Man, its really hard to chop leaves. What the fuck, don't we have a grinder or something for this shit?
Step 3: Cut jalapenos in half, remove half or most of the seeds. Dice very tiny.
But I don't have any dice. Maybe they mean chop very tiny? They need to fire whoever edited this article for content. Ok, I have two peppers that are roughly the same size. So if I cut one in half, I can take out all of its seeds, then just chop the hell out of the other one. Man this part is easy. Hmm, this next one seems to have a few more seeds than the first...
Step 4: Combine in bowl, add a pinch of sea salt.
What's a pinch? I got pretty big fingers. *looks up pinch* Well that was decidedly un-helpful. Maybe they mean teaspoon?. Ok, I'll add that and mix it all together and put it in the fridge and get to cleaning up this mess...huh? What's this unchopped onion doing here? I'll just put that back in the drawer and get back to cleaning...
In review, it turns out I am REALLY bad at this. I forgot onions completely, was missing an entire tomato on account of I ate it and then added enough sea salt to kill a small animal. Also, as I found out, all of the heat from a jalepeno comes from the seeds. My masterpeice of delicious was less along the lines of delicious edible concoction and more like the Dead Sea Salt Salsa from Hell. On top of all that, when I was done cleaning the kitchen I still smelled like ingredients and jalapenos. After washing my hands twice just to be sure, I still smelled like peppers.
Mistake 1: I put my finger in my mouth to bite my nail (a very bad habit I know) and lit myself on fire. My hands still had hot peppers on them! How the fuck?? Ow, dammit, my tongue! Now, I'm trying to wash my hands again I splash water on my face.
Mistake 2: I instinctively reach up to wipe my nose and eyes with my hands, cause I had water up there, yo. Shrieking ensues, small animals & birds in the backyard run for cover. Shrieking continues for several minutes and I wipe a few more times to remove the burn...
At this point I'm in the kitchen clamoring around blind as a bat with my eyes, nostrils and tongue on fire trying to find something, anything! I can't see shit and OMG it burns! I didn't even know a nose could burn from pepper juice! After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to use my screaming as sonar to find something like the sink to wash my eyes out, I give up and just stand there to let the burn go away enough on its own so I can see again. I really wish it would stop, I have to pee. (that's a whole other event we just won't go into here) I had kind of a mess to clean up that night.
When my wife got home I forget to tell her about my salsa event, but she did comment on how clean the kitchen looked. I can only describe the sound the emanated from the kitchen as Satan giving birth. I sat on the couch frozen in place staring at the doorway to the kitchen as the screaming continued for several minutes. My first instinct was to hide, but I don't think that would do very much if the house burnt down around me.
She wasn't THAT angry for long. I think she felt sorry for my culinary skills, or lack thereof. Bio-hazard I think was the term she used to describe my cooking. I was also banned from using the kitchen for a week.
So my skills in the kitchen arena remain as of yet limited to tacos, steak, hot-dogs, mashed potatoes (usually), ribs and anything out of a can. Oh, and I am STILL looking for all the goddamn dried tomato seeds. Who knew that when tomato seeds dry they are goddamn cemented to whatever surface they dried on and are impossibly small to see?!
*sigh* Chef Jim I am not. Mostly harmless? You betcha.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
In a Nutshell
No, I'm not referring to the millions of acorns that rain constantly down upon my house, though I should be. It's almost like an en masse attack while my wife and I hunker down waiting for the bullets to subside and for the army to advance and clean up whoever is left over from the massacre. Sometimes a really big one hits the roof or side of the house and it sounds like a squirrel chucked it like a grenade. The yard is littered with leaves and shell casings and looks like a battlefield. It's probably one of the most breathtakingly beautiful seasons of the year. I love autumn, even if I am under attack by conscripts of the natural world.
What I really mean by 'In a Nutshell' is that I saw this comic online and it pretty much summed up my relational life with my wife. For all intents and purposes I am a hardcore gaming geek. Despite all my love of the beauty that surrounds me, I spend more time the digital realm than here in good ole reality. I am known as the master of plebs, the conquerer of worlds, the commander of soup (don't ask), et al.
When it comes to girls, or rather women, I kinda scratch my head a bit. I think I even once mustered the courage to say "Heh, yer a gurrl. Yer purrty". Which is to say I have about as much game as Shaq had a movie career.
I met my wife at work with her being the intelligent, soft spoken vixen who could see past my skillz (or lack thereof) and see me for the person I am inside. We just kinda clicked. Sure we, from time to time, have our non-clickyness moments, but who doesn't. Imagine if you will my chuckle when my mom found out I was dating a girl and it turned serious (as in marriage), then asked if the girlfriend was older than her or young enough to send me to jail. Guess she was surprised that it wasn't someone desperate or naive. ;)
So how I landed someone as sweet and well rounded as Sarah, that just wants me for who I am is anyone's guess. And before anyone asks, I've never even seen absinthe, let alone been able to get ahold of any. That being said, I just spend time with her watching movies, doing home improvements, going on vacations and such, and she lets me play my video games. And on occasion I get to touch her boobs. It's a win win situation all around.
http://www.movie-comics.com/comic.php?strip_id=241
^_^
What I really mean by 'In a Nutshell' is that I saw this comic online and it pretty much summed up my relational life with my wife. For all intents and purposes I am a hardcore gaming geek. Despite all my love of the beauty that surrounds me, I spend more time the digital realm than here in good ole reality. I am known as the master of plebs, the conquerer of worlds, the commander of soup (don't ask), et al.
When it comes to girls, or rather women, I kinda scratch my head a bit. I think I even once mustered the courage to say "Heh, yer a gurrl. Yer purrty
I met my wife at work with her being the intelligent, soft spoken vixen who could see past my skillz (or lack thereof) and see me for the person I am inside. We just kinda clicked. Sure we, from time to time, have our non-clickyness moments, but who doesn't. Imagine if you will my chuckle when my mom found out I was dating a girl and it turned serious (as in marriage), then asked if the girlfriend was older than her or young enough to send me to jail. Guess she was surprised that it wasn't someone desperate or naive. ;)
So how I landed someone as sweet and well rounded as Sarah, that just wants me for who I am is anyone's guess. And before anyone asks, I've never even seen absinthe, let alone been able to get ahold of any. That being said, I just spend time with her watching movies, doing home improvements, going on vacations and such, and she lets me play my video games. And on occasion I get to touch her boobs. It's a win win situation all around.
http://www.movie-comics.com/comic.php?strip_id=241
^_^
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