A Constant Reminder

Anyone that has been on the internet for any amount of time has undoubtedly heard of or, on randy occasion, participated in chat rooms, chat programs and forums. I myself am guilty of being a Flame Warrior. One affectionately referred to as a lurker:



Flame Warriors

Yet again, it was time for my semi anual AOL chat program download and install festival. But installing an old chat program I used to use is a constant reminder on how scrambled my brain is. Most people pick a nickname and stick with it till death do them part. I just can't seem to choose a nickname and the ones I do decide on I usually forget the password and have to make a new account anyway. That's why I like MSN - I just put in my email and I can pick any name I want any time I want. If I wanted to be [.50]{dooRag}[2PAC]"wigga4lyfe" I could be.

EPISODE 10

I only use AOL because a friend of mine was avoiding MSN - I think she owes the mob money or something... So imagine if you will every 3 months some random message pops up on your screen that says: "theJim571262o4jnal is sending you an instant message, would you like to read it?" When you open it, the message reads: "HI! SMEE AGAIN!" I'd hate to look at her buddy list. It probably has a group labeled JIM with all my previous nicknames:

theJim
theJim45563
theJim12384766fgs
FuzzyBunnySlippers
theJimAgain

She probably even lists the ones that I have deemed too stupid to list here. I guess its my problem more than AOLs but it would be nice if they would just expire accounts that aren't used or paid for in like 90 days. That would allow other people to register those names. I wonder how much database space 4 billion names and account information uses up?

The world may never know.

May Cause Cancer

NEWSFLASH!

Studies show that cancer is on the rise in America. Carcinogens, Trans Fat, Televangelists & Sunshine are all sought for questioning. When asked about this rise in cancer, the Surgeon General has been quoted saying that "[reading] too many tiny warning labels may lead to headaches, sore eyes & lots of ice cream, especially in people over 40 and people from Canada". I'm not sure what that has to do with cancer, but what do I know, I just read the teleprompter.

In a response to these new studies conducted by random citizens who like to wear white coats and name tags, especially after labor day, the president has declared a "War! on Cancer". Several key cabinet members have issued press releases saying they are contacting various super heroes to help in the War! on __________ (noun). Superman and Spiderman were unavailable for comment.

After many minutes of deliberation, and 1 beer chugging contest, a surprising twist has been revealed in the War! on Cancer. Shoes cause cancer. Among all the people diagnosed with, died from, don't have or haven't even been born yet to get cancer, all of them have been sighted wearing shoes. Even the ones in the womb. No word yet on the source of the report of the shoe wearing babies in the womb as those documents are still classified, but hopefully Agent Scully & Agent Mulder can uncover the truth behind those reports.

Sneakers or Tennis shoes are the top runners in the cancer causing protective footwear report, issued by the Center for Disease Control here in the US. Followed closely by cowboy boots, flip flop sandals & even the coveted penny loafer. There really isn't a solution to this growing epidemic at this time, but just for good measure, we have been upgraded to Cerulean Alert! Status. If that color is not available or spelled correctly, Baby Shit Yellow has been chosen by a panel of PTA Moms as an alternate color. Cause everybody knows that Baby Shit is serious business!

There has been talk of mobilizing troops to deal with this new War! on Cancer to eliminate the Axis of Shoes at the root of the problem. The first bombs have already begun falling in the country of 'Made in Taiwan'. The countries of 'Made in China' and 'Made in India' are in peace negotiations as we speak.

When asked, "Why only bomb 'Made in Taiwan'? Why isn't 'Made in USA' considered as an Axis of Shoes? We make shoes don't we?" A top war adviser, who wished to remain anonymous, responded with: "We can't very well bomb ourselves, now can we? However, we are considering all options of engagement. Made in Taiwan had it coming. Besides, have you looked at a map lately? 'Made in China' and 'Made in India' are huge! We probably don't even have that many bombs. Anyway, Halliburton has been contacted for assistance in the cleanup operations, so we expect a full recovery in 'Made in Taiwan'. Thank you."

More on this story as it develops...

Out To Lunch

Someone needs to save me from Chuck Norris! He haunts my dreams, and my internet connection. Everywhere I go I hear Chuck Norris jokes. I play a game, someone says a Chuck Norris joke. I go to a website, someone posts a Chuck Norris joke. Now it's like this little voice that randomly tells a Chuck Norris joke is following me around.

"The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Colman. He hasn't grown since."

GAHHH! See? There it is again!

"One day Chuck Norris sneezed and the city of Atlantis was never seen nor heard from again."

It's going to drive me insane. I suppose some of them are mildly amusing, but some border on obscene. Go on, say one. They're all listening.

"*ahem* The first time Chuck Norris got an erection, he put a hole in the Ozone Layer."

...

"Chuck Norris was on an episode of Survivor once, but the studio had to cut it after he killed everyone on the island when someone ate his Cheetos."

Apparently Chuck Norris can also fly. This is because gravity doesn't mess with Chuck Norris.

"You are wise. Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn either. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow."

Perfect. I have invented a voice in my head that tells me I am wise for knowing the power that is Chuck Norris.

"You didn't invent me! I'm real!"

I can't wait for summer to get here. I've been cooped up for months. Sure, there are winter activities, if there were snow! There's no snow, no ice, no rain. Not even clouds. It's just fucking cold. I thought that snow and cold go hand in hand, but apparently, snow took a sabbatical this year.

"Snow is on medical leave after a run in with Chuck Norris, actually."

I went outside to walk the dog and figured if I stayed mobile, we could make it work. I had on my winter gear, gloves, hat, boots, the works.

"Now you're just ignoring me. How childish are you?"

I ran around playing with my new puppy for about 10 minutes until I realized, I couldn't feel my extremities. And I think a booger froze IN my nose. So, other than failing to stay outside for more than 10 minutes at any given point in time this frozen non-snowing winter, I've been playing World of Warcraft for the past 3-4 months, which doesn't really lend itself to exciting conversation. I let my subscription lapse just because I needed something else to talk about. Oh, and to get away from the verbal diarrhea that is Chuck Norris jokes.

"Chuck Norris actually doesn't know how to swim, but water is just too afraid to do anything about it."

OMG, if I even mention his name, out pops another Chuck Norris joke.

"Chuck Norris uses his penis to look around corners."

See, now that's just plain wrong. I'm leaving.

"What did I say? Wait, come back! Aw, c'mon, I was just kidding! Okay it doesn't look around corners, but Chuck Norris can submerge himself and breathe from his erect penis like a snorkel."

...

"tee hee! A snorkel. That was a good one."

Super Bowling for Concubines

"Celebrities are comming! Celebrities are comming! Hurry up fo' its too late! Come on down to Shitload O' Jewels and get yo' bling in time for that Super Bowl thang! Don't be caught at that fly bitches' party without yo' bling! The more you get, the less she'll spit!"

Okay, so that wasn't exactly what the obnoxious commercial announcer said word for word, but it wasn't too far off. Commercials like that sprang up two weeks before Super Bowl Sunday faster than your dad looking at online porno for the first time. It was like a veritable ghetto superstore blowout complete with insulting target demographic slang and disclaimer: "no returns, exchanges or refunds" flashing at the bottom of every commercial. The commercials ranged the gambit from leather coats, fur coats, shoes (2 for!), 'bling' of course & even Cadillac Escalade rental commercials! Yes, there were commercials advertising specifically Cadillac Escalade rentals.

Nice.

I think that is just the head of a long string of bad commercials with stupid premise or that feed inept commercialism. Like the KFC commercial "You're the Boss!". In this commercial, they talk about now at KFC you get to choose your toppings at their new "Makin' Station!". So now, I'm the boss and I'm empowered and dammit! If I want secret sauce on my mystery meat chicken, I don't have to worry, because dammit, I'm the boss!

Man, that's such a relief. I can't remember the last time I got to choose my own topping. The other day at McDonald's I was like, "May I please have some Hot Mustard for my wonderfully delicious chicken McNuggets?" and the attendant was all like "No bitch, you're getting ketchup and you are going to eat it and like it!"

*sigh* If only I had gone to KFC I could have been my own boss and picked my own toppings. I sat in the corner and hung my head in shame while eating my McMystery Meat with ketchup. I could hear them all laughing and high-fiving each other and I just wished that for once I had a choice. *sniff*

So last night a woman visited me and said her name was Helen Hanbasket. I thought that was pretty strange, but even weirder she handed me a flier. It looked kind of like a bus stop brochure with two points on it. One point was a dot that said birth and the other was a dot that said Hell in big red letters. There was a line drawn between the two with a circle on the line somewhere in the middle that read: "You are here."

What's that all about? Ah who cares, a Friends rerun was on TV. Man that Joey's a hoot isn't he?

x_X

Have Gun, Will Travel

About the most interesting thing to happen to me in the past few months is the fact that I have $20 bet on the Super Bowl. It's not even a real "who's going to win" bet, cause I couldn't care less about that, it's one of those 100 people chip in for squares. I think I got screwed for numbers, but it doesn't appear rigged. Not by the usual suspects anyway.

Did I mention boredom? Up to Christmas and directly after that week we spent in AZ, it has been daily life crap. I guess playing video games counts as entertaining, but other than that, not much going on but the rent.

We started remodeling the guest bedroom, but that is almost complete. Oh that reminds me, I almost died yesterday. Apparently, one of the plugs in the bedroom is connected to the bathroom circuit. As I was replacing the electrical outlets and light switches, I got to the very last one and popped the screws out and grabbed both sides to pull it out from the wall and MOTHERFUCKING ZAP! It's not the first time I've been electrocuted, and probably won't be the last.

I felt the shock through my entire body. Every muscle in my body tensed up, legs, arms, face and then I think my muscles shaking is what dislodged me from the electrician's death trap. I think it burnt my fingernails on the sub atomic level, cause they still sting. I think i am going to buy a plug tester seeing as I can't rely on electricians to wire shit properly, or at least label properly.

Curious about the first time I got electrocuted? I was like 6, maybe 7 and my mom was doing her hair in the bathroom and I got a hold of thin sewing scissors. The kind that are only meant for thread and are so thin, you can bend them if you look at them wrong.

"Now where can I stick these...Oh! There we go" *insert into plug outlet* *sound of zapping, scissors melt which dislodges me from the socket causing me to fall* My mom said I made a strange humming noise and she looked over and saw me fall while holding melted scissors. It just goes to show you that sometimes, what appears to be considered "child abuse" in today's fucked up world of sue happy and jail happy ignorant people, is simply stupid kids doing stupid things when parents aren't looking.

If I was a cat, I'd say I've used 2 or 3 of my nine lives at least. I try to limit my electrocutions to once a decade. I feel you can have too much of a good thing. Now to get back to normal boring winter routine. Anyone have any suggestions on stuff to do? Have gun, will travel. :)

Holiday Cheer

Round 1 of the holidays are over and we survived! I took a little over a month off from writing but I'm back now, if only for a little while.

I don't really consider Halloween a stressfull holiday. If anything it's relaxing. There is typically no snow yet, you don't really have to *do* anything if you don't want. You just get to stay at home, hand out candy, and after the trick or treaters are done, go to a movie or party, or just stay in with some popcorn and a scary movie.

My wife and I went to see Saw 2 on Halloween night. The movie wasn't as creepy as I thought it would be. In fact, I think the trick or treaters were creepier. I'll explain.

I was driving home that night, pulling into the neighborhood sometime after 6:00pm. I stopped at the stop sign to get onto my street, I looked down at my radio to change songs, and when I looked up, there were people in costumes EVERYWHERE. I mean, there were so many people they spilled out into the street and I had to drive like 5 MPH, just to avoid hitting them.

I was shocked to say the least. We went from our apartment complex that had probably 100 kids and zero trick or treaters, to a neighborhood with about 30 kids around us and 150 trick or treaters. I had just arrived home, and my wife was so busy handing out candy I didn't even get a kiss. I asked when they trick or treaters started and she said they started just after 6:00pm. I went upstairs to get settled and change into jeans.

From the bedroom I could hear "Trick or Treat!" being screamed every minute or so, with Sarah at the door handing out candy. Once I had changed and showered I went downstairs to help out giving out the candy. While I was waiting for more people to arrive, a light went out on the neighbors house. I glanced at the clock, 7:01. I peeked out the window and the street was empty. No cars, no kids, nothing. I opened up the door to try and listen to see if the rampaging circus I was a witness to not 20 minutes ago had moved on, but I couldn't hear anything.

I double-checked my deoderant, just to be sure. Then went back inside. I left the outside light on for about 20 minutes. When I asked my wife, she said it started about 6:00, the street just came alive with people & cars. Then promptly at 7:00, everyone was gone.

While the event wasn't scary, per se. It ranks about a 7.0 on my weird-shit-o-meter. The next day I checked the front porch for candy. Well, if they were ghosts, all the candy we thought we were giving out should be piled up on the front steps right? I learned later that the township has meetings every week, and the week prior they said trick or treating was from 6pm-7pm. They weren't kidding apparently. After reading that I wondered if they have like a roaming brute squad to kidnap anyone out trick or treating after 7pm. -X_x-

All Appologies

I haven't written about anything lately because I've been too busy (read: lazy). Lots of things have been on my mind and I found a couple of articles I'd like to share:


http://english.pravda.ru/science/19/94/377/12257_Martian.html


http://english.pravda.ru/science/19/94/378/16387_Boriska.html

Between work related stress, things I read online about new SONY copy protection that can hide hacks and viruses, and nazi's comming to detroit from whatever hole they crawled out of, I've been a little...distracted.

http://www.securityfocus.com/brief/34

http://www.sysinternals.com/blog/2005/11/more-on-sony-dangerous-decloaking.html

http://www.sysinternals.com/blog/2005/10/sony-rootkits-and-digital-rights.html

A Minor Problem

...one that could lead to major issues of the dental variety. You see, I have a bit of a sweet tooth. Chocolate is my drug of choice. I don't think it's an aphrodisiac, it's just so damn tasty. Hershey, Dove, Trobolone, you name it, I love it. I'm not an addict... I'm not! I just can't help but swipe one or two, ahem, handfuls from the jar at the (dentist, doctor, break room, coffee table)...

What? They are there to take. Right?

So about this time every year, Halloween candy goes on sale. I can normally avoid the big bags because they cost so much, except now, when they are all on sale! On weekends I occasionally help out with the shopping despite my loathing of said activity. Due to my lack of willpower, during this time of year I dread getting the list of places to buy candy, er, shop at. A typical list might include: Drugstore, Grocery Store, Home Depot, Hardware Store and Pizza Place.

With a list like that, I'll have 4 bags of candy and a pocketful of mints by the time I am done. WTF? I don't even know how it gets there, and sometimes I think I steal it, but no, it's right there on the reciept. I suspect the clerk lady secretly scans it and stuffs it into the bag. Probably while I am reading the stupid National Enquirer headlines.

One activity I love almost as much as eating candy, is giving candy to other people. It's the "you've got to try this!" mentality I have where I just want to share good things with everybody. I remember as a kid I had a 1 track mind on repeat: "get candy...get candy...get candy". So I'd like to give back to society by feeding a child's desire of getting candy. Jerry Seinfeld said it best about Halloween: "What, people are just GIVING away candy?! ...I can wear that."

This year, as you know, my lovely wife and I just moved into a new house in a nice neighborhood with lots of kids. Previously the past two years in our old apartment we would get dressed up with candy at the ready, and get like 2 knocks at the door all night. This year we know for a fact there will be kids everywhere! So we bought a couple hundred peices of candy.

Because my wife has married someone who is closing on 30, thinks he's still 20 and acts like he's 10, candy in our house is something kept under lock and key. My wife is very sweet and wants to let me have full access to our treasure trove of candy. She however knows me better than I know myself. Whereas she can eat a peice a day, I can eat a peice an hour. She left for work one day and I tore the house upside down looking for the loot. I never found it. She hides things very well apparently. I now know that along with Chef, I can add Forensic Pathologist and Crime Scene Investigator to the list of things I will never be. I can't find the brown in a paper bag apparently.

I found out that she will be out of town this halloween and I will be working. As a result she unchecked the hide attribute on the 'bag o candy' and it appeared in the living room. Not sure what we are going to do with 400 peices of candy. She'll take some to work, I might take some and bury it in the back yard like a squirrel, and we'll probably leave the rest in a bag on the porch for halloween. We know that the first kid to come alone will walk off with the entire bag, but since we can't be there for trick or treating, that will have to do.

Update: I failed in my restraint and moderate candy eating, so I asked her to hide the candy again. I'll stick to the scary movies and pumpkin carving aspect of this holiday. A minor problem? Yeah, you could say that...

Mostly Harmless

It's not like I've been the fat kid in little league that always gets picked last, but I sure never get picked first. All along I figured I just wasn't destined to be popular. More recently I've begun to understand my lot in life. I'm mostly harmless yet totally clueless and kinda clumsy, as anyone who knows me has probably concluded. While those traits are sometimes cute and not enough to get picked on about, they don't exactly win votes for homecomming king.

I work hard at my job, I obey my wife, try new things, spend time with friends and family and play the lotto at least once a week for a dollar. Hey, it only takes one to win. I figure if there is 1 in 12 billion chance that an asteroid will kill all life on earth and some theorize that in 875 years one WILL hit our little blue planet, we might want to consider moving to Mars or risk having a really bad 3rd millenia. At least we should play the lotto and enjoy what little time we have left. (source: www.space.com)

To those of you who think I'm whipped for obeying my wife, trust me guys, its easier that way. We both have very hard heads and want to do things our way. I get a voice in the important things and that's all that matters so I'll take a backseat to everything else. Besides, I get my sippy cup refilled every now and again, play my video games and even get to go to the movies once a week. Having to wear the damn helmet around the house after my "Silent Like Ninja" episode kinda sucks though. I overheard them say something about "special needs". What do I care, I got ice cream. :)

The other day I ate the last of the homemade salsa which was kind of greedy of me since I think I ate ALL of it from start to finish. I wanted to help out and decided to go to the store and pickup more ingredients. Aside from surprising my wife with good salsa I also wanted to learn to make it myself. My favorite food is mexican you see and me learning to make salsa would be like giving the cave man fire.

Speaking of fire...how hard can it be to make salsa? Well I'm not sure how I fucked it up, but I'll try to retrace my steps:

You start with the list, it's where anything starts when cooking is involved. Jalapeno Peppers, Tomatoes, Cilantro (the leafy stuff), Onion, & a pinch of salt.

Step 1: remove the liquid and seeds from the tomatoes and dice. I don't have dice that's not on the list...oh nevermind. I tried squeezing them as instructed and got more seeds on the wall than I can count. Still finding some everyday. Don't tell Sarah, I know I can get them all. I tried dicing and scraping, that was even messier. In a fit of genious I cut the top off one and sucked out the seeds. It worked really well, but I figured putting that one in the salsa would be a no no. So I ate that tomato. Was pretty good, but now I had one less tomato. Shouldn't hurt right?

Step 2: chop a handfull of cilantro. My handfull or hers? I grabbed a grubby fistfull of leafy goodness and chopped away. I figured my hand wasn't part of the reciepe so I moved it out of the way while using the "Rock and Chop" from our Miracle Blade set.

Step 3: cut jalapenos in half, remove half or most of the seeds. Dice very tiny. I had two peppers that were roughly the same size, so I cut one in half, took out all the seeds, diced. Then did the same for the other but kept the seeds in.

Step 4: Combine in bowl, add a pinch of sea salt. What's a pinch? I got pretty big fingers. *calling wife* - Sarah: "a small table spoon". *hangs up* adds a small table spoon and mixes everything.

Turns out I forgot a few things. The onions were forgotten completely and I was missing 1 tomato so the amount of sea salt that was added combined with the Jalapeno seeds turned my masterpeice into the Dead Sea Salsa from Hell. I carefully put my concoction into tupperware and placed it in the fridge. I smelled like ingredients and jalapenos so I wash my hands twice just to be sure.

Mistake 1: I put my finger in my mouth to bite my nail (a very bad habit I know) and lit myself on fire. My hands still had hot peppers on them! Trying to wash my hands again I get water on my face.

Mistake 2: I instinctively reach up to wipe my nose and eyes with my hands. Shrieking ensues, small animals & birds in the back yard run for cover.

At this point I'm in the kitchen clamoring around blind as a bat with my eyes and nostrals on fire trying to find something, anything! OMG it burned! I didn't even know a nose could burn from pepper juice! After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to use my screaming as sonar to find something like the sink to wash my eyes out, I give up and just stand there to let the burn go away enough on its own so I can see again. All the while trying not to cry. I had kind of a mess to clean up that night.

Later that night my wife comes home to a spotless kitchen, and I casually mention to her "be careful. the salsa is a bit salty and hot". She apparently took a big spoonful because I hear some screaming and water running. I run into the kitchen to find what could only be described as the devil uttering words through clenched teeth "a bit?". She wasn't angry for long. I think she felt sorry for my cullinary skills, or lack thereof. Biohazard was the term she used I think.

So my skills in the kitchen arena remain limited to tacos, steak, hotdogs, mashed potatoes (usually), ribs and anything out of a can - especially things that don't require cooking. Chef Jim I am not. Mostly harmless? You betcha.

In a Nutshell

No, I'm not referring to the millions of acorns that rain constantly down upon my house, though I should be. It's almost like an en masse attack while my wife and I hunker down waiting for the bullets to subside and for the army to advance and clean up whoever is left over from the massacre. Sometimes a really big one hits the roof or side of the house and it sounds like a squirrel chucked it like a grenade. The yard is littered with leaves and shell casings and looks like a battlefield. It's probably one of the most breathtakingly beautiful seasons of the year. I love autumn, even if I am under attack by conscripts of the natural world.

What I really mean by 'In a Nutshell' is that I saw this comic online and it pretty much summed up my relational life with my wife. For all intents and purposes I am a hardcore gaming geek. Despite all my love of the beauty that surrounds me, I spend more time the digital realm than here in good ole reality. I am known as the master of plebs, the conquerer of worlds, the commander of soup (don't ask), et al.

When it comes to girls, or rather women, I kinda scratch my head a bit. I think I even once mustered the courage to say "Heh, yer a gurrl. Yer purrty ". Which is to say I have about as much game as Shaq had a movie career.

I met my wife at work with her being the intelligent, soft spoken vixen who could see past my skillz (or lack thereof) and see me for the person I am inside. We just kinda clicked. Sure we, from time to time, have our non-clickyness moments, but who doesn't. Imagine if you will my chuckle when my mom found out I was dating a girl and it turned serious (as in marriage), then asked if the girlfriend was older than her or young enough to send me to jail. Guess she was surprised that it wasn't someone desperate or naive. ;)

So how I landed someone as sweet and well rounded as Sarah, that just wants me for who I am is anyone's guess. And before anyone asks, I've never even seen absinthe, let alone been able to get ahold of any. That being said, I just spend time with her watching movies, doing home improvements, going on vacations and such, and she lets me play my video games. And on occasion I get to touch her boobs. It's a win win situation all around.

http://www.movie-comics.com/comic.php?strip_id=241

^_^

Jim the Toolman

After getting married I expected to give up a few things here and there. I'm not fully neutered yet, but it won't long before the men in white coats show up with the tin snips. I have however, learned that when my wife has a project in mind, it's best just to go along with it. Its safer that way.

We decided to host Thanksgiving this year as we wanted the opportunity to let our families see the new house. There's just one problem: wallpaper, lots and lots of wallpaper. The previous owners had wallpaper on the brain. I think whoever wallpapered our house needed something to do, because they even wallpapered the grates. Not just in any old way, but they actually took the time to line up the patterns perfectly and cut little strips and glue them to each fan on the grates.

It's all flower wallpaper from the 80's too. My wife's mom loves the wallpaper. I told her she can have it when we are done ripping it off the wall if she really likes it. I am probably going to put a peice in a box for her and give it to her as a gag christmas gift.

I have to say, despite being up all night till 4 am, our bedroom and the downstairs bathroom are looking sweet. Our bedroom is now a Tuscany style and the downstair bathroom is tiled modern contemporary. Tile and crown moulding are a bitch to install. Not really hard, it just takes a LOT of time to try and make all the pieces fit perfectly. I had some good news in that I got to play with power tools for like 8 hours a day. We ended up buying a wet tile saw cause it was $50 to rent, or $90 to buy.

Home improvements are fun and I'm glad my wife is a slave driver cause my lazy ass needs motivation. :) I've got the home improvement bug we just have to break for a few months to save some more money, what with the holidays approaching. We just finished the bathroom project and the house looks like a bomb went off. *sigh* Time to clean up the mess.

My Nemesis, Part 2

It had become a morning ritual. Every morning the woodpecker would drill on the outside of the house. My wife would wake up and startle the hell outta me by banging on the wall. I'd get up to try and kill the woodpecker and she'd remind me to put on clothes. One morning my wife hit the wall so hard, I expected to wake up and see her hand through the wall. I imagined her pulling back a fist full of feathers after having choked the shit outta that bird.

Goddamn woodpecker is making me exhausted and I don't have the energy to kill 200 bugs a day just to stem the tide (see: Block Party). I was outside looking for the woodpecker, clothed of course, and I noticed something strange. Expecting to see a woodpecker's ass on the side of the house, imagine my surprise when instead saw his head. He was looking back at me, from inside my house! I run out at him trying to shoo him away, but he pops back into the hole in the attic he has made. He was like that annoying frenchman from Monty Python & the Holy Grail - taunting me from the rampart.

I must be the world's biggest jackass, cause I went back in the house, and squeezed up into the attic by way of a 2'x2' square to wait for the bird. So I'm in the attic with a bb gun for like an hour. My ass hurts, I'm hunched over and its hot as hell. With no sign of the infidel, I finally give up and go back outside and find him perched on the tree just outside the hole. As he sees me, he flies back into the attic.

At this point I am looking around for the camera crew and the little kid controlling a mechanical bird while giggling manically. Obviously I'm not that lucky. I go get the electric saw, liquid nails, and some scrap 1x4 I had laying around and McGyver a thick woodpecker door (minus the hinges) and truge up into the attic and try to seal up the hole.

I stretch out to reach the far corner and apply my "woodpecker-be-gone device (tm)" while trying not to either impale myself on the 4 inch shingle spikes or glue my hand to my face. I have breathed in so many insulation fibers that I think I might die soon. My death will be meaningless if I can't get rid of this nuisance.

I have not had a better nights sleep. That night was an uninterrupted heavenly bliss. The next morning I was downstairs lamenting over my victory at breakfast when I hear "tap tap tap tap" on the other side of the house just as I was about to take a bite of cereal. Son of a...

Block Party

Here come the bugs! Today I have killed 4 spiders, 37 rollie pollies, 104 mosquitos, 13 ants, 1 monster sized mosquito (like an inch long), 1 centipede & some moths.

I ran from a giant wasp, got the crap scared out of me by the neighborhood cat that jumped at the bay window to eat a bug and found a dead lizard. I didn't even know Michigan had lizards.

Whoever said there was a party at my house needs to be slapped or at the very least bring some chips and dip. I love the birds, rabbits, cats, oversized squirrels and well fed chipmonks. They're on the guest list. Even the occasional deer can stop by for a drink. But I feel like Alan in Jumanji - "In the jungle you will wait, until the dice read five or eight."

One of these days my wife is going to find me dead stuck to the wall by spider webs. The more I kill, the bigger they get. But I learned my lesson - AHHH!! BUG!!! SMASH!!!

Silent, like Ninja

Ever since I was a little kid, I've always had this thing with learning my way around in the dark. I know my way around the dark in my house and can remember exactly where everything in a room is when I close my eyes. I count stairs. That has to be my most self annoying trait. I count them as I walk up or down. In my head of course. I don't need to blare out on a loudspeaker - Hey everybody, look at the escaped OCD mental patient!

I can remember every house I've ever lived in and the only one I never walked around in the dark was the one in the mountains in Tucson. For those of you not familliar with Tucson, AZ, this house was not a hermit shack in a deserted mountain refuge, it was an older western foothills area. We were renting a house with more problems than Emily Rose's Exorcism. This house had fist sized spiders, killer honey bees, voracious ants, poisonous frogs, fist sized spiders, electrical wiring that caught fire randomly and a hottub that nobody went in because it foamed mysteriously and made a sound like the opening of the gate to hell... There were so many things that go bump in the night, the dog had a nervous breakdown and hid under the bed and refused to come out. We finally had to give her away to some old lady. Poor Kristy.

But other than that minor setback in my training, I've always found it helpfull to learn your way around in the dark. Like when you first turn out the light and have to go 10 feet to turn on the next. Of course you've got to be light footed and non-committal in walking. If you walk with purpose and pull a jackass by tripping on a shoe or run into a wall you can mess yourself up bad. I've gotten so good, I am masterfull in my art.

My wife disagrees. Okay, she flat out laughs at me. I made a few mistakes - I step on boxes and random pointy objects left out by someone, kicked the cat twice, fell on the dog four times, ran into walls, ran into the bedroom door, ran into the bathroom door, fell down the stairs, stubbed my toe on the couch, ran face first into the pole in the basement, tripped on the automan stool, tripped on the garbage can, ran into a spider web that was spun in my way, ran away screaming into the dark while I could feel the spider crawling on me, ran into the wall again, knocked over chairs, left hand prints all over the walls trying to stop running into shit, finally stumbling into bed landing on my wife who was already awake from all the other noise I've been making. She said it sounded like the Home Alone bandits broke in and brought their pet rhino with them.

Other than that, I'm completely Silent, like Ninja.

A Use for SPAM

I admit, I'm an addict. A very special breed, while not unique in having a vice, I'm just filled with such happiness I can barely contain myself. For some its alcohol, others maybe cigarettes or sex. There are even some addictions for the truely derranged and socially inept. My addiction? More of a fetish really. I need more spam. Lots of it. More messages in my comcast DVR, text messages in my cell phone, computers calling my house, emails that fill up my inbox with all kinds of offers!!! I just wish I could put a chip in my brain just to get MORE SPAM!!

I've been watching for years and now I have successfully devised a way to get more Spam than anybody! My secret? I'm not telling you! But I have a plan with all this spam I have been getting. I am on my way to a better life!

I really want to meet those deparate housewives that want to be naughty while their husband is out of town. Those crazy bitches email me at least 19 times a day. Chill ladies, get some batteries while you wait for the love master to arrive! I really liked the email from Sandy Cracks, she sounded like a real beach vixen. She probably lives somewhere fancy like Malibu and her too-busy-for-sex husband is out banging the metermaid in Venezuela on company time.

Hmm, but first I am going to get me some penis enlargement pills and some sex prolonging pills just to make sure I am the sex god she has always wanted! While I am waiting for my penis to grow, I am going to "Work-at-home making $3000 a day" and be "losing weight guarenteed!" and replying to every chain letter I get just to make sure I don't get any of that bad luck.

I am going to cash in that "Completely free vacation, completely free!" that Sam keeps calling me about. I have my choice of destinations and Vegas is pretty close to Malibu, maybe he'll just let me go to Malibu instead. I'll give him some of my penis enlargement pills, he'll like that. I know, it means sharing my treasure trove but its a small price to pay for getting an STD in Malibu. In Malibu!!

OMG, I almost forgot, Billy Q. Jackson texted me about a watch the other day. I need one of those, plus the deal was too sweet to pass on. "1 1/2 off a Luxury watch"! Holy horney toads a watch were they'll pay ME half the price just to take it? Tell me more baby! Oh wow "Sleek and Gracious...look fabulus and work grate !"!! I've GOT to get me some of those. I need the extra money and I get a watch, what more can you ask for?

A lot actually, cause I am going to take those watches and donate them for cash to the company that sent me a message via my comcast DVR. Paid to take watches, paid to donate watches! I'm going to be a thin lucky work-at-home millionaire sex god with an STD from Malibu! MALIBU!!!! Life is perfect!

The Dowry

The dictionary defines a dowry as a gift of money or property given to the groom by the bride at the wedding. It also says it can be a gift given by the suiter to the father of the bride for permission to marry the daughter. Obviously these practices don't really apply anymore - at least one would hope we have travelled out of the dark ages.

My wife and I had a small beautiful wedding with people we love and even though we wish we could have invited more people than our budget had allowed, the gifts were not real high on our priority list. Sure we had a registry, but you should have one for people who would like to buy gifts, to give what you would like.

I recently read an article about worst wedding gifts. My boss walked over while I reading this list and because my eyes were so wide with amazement he said he thought I was looking at porno. After reading this article, I started reading more on my lunch break about other worst wedding gifts. I decided to compile a top-ten worst wedding gifts of all time: And folks, acording to the forums and the stories that went with them, these are supposedly no shit real gifts given to couples - mostly by Mother In Laws, with a couple "gifts from friends" sprinkled in.

"A regifted tray (with the original card to the regifter included with the present)"

"Fertility idol (the one with the huge PENIS sticking out of it)"

"A hand-blown vase that looks like a hookah with a note that says (you'll need this)"

"A really ugly art piece involving a cow tooth"

"A cartoon character cookie jar signed (for the kids) and still having cookie crumbs in the bottom"

"Dollar-store picture frame with price tag still attached"

"Mounted can opener with the UPC code removed (so the giver could get the rebate)"

"An emergency survival kit, which include blank Divorce and Annulment papers. (just in case)"

"Porno Playing Cards"

"A book called Why Men Love Bitches"

I'm not much for wanting to get gifts. I'm the kid that gave my mom a christmas list one year that only had TLC written on it. However moved that she was, she insisted that I make it include objects she could buy, I would have been happy without. Yet, this top-ten contains the equivalent of leaving a couple of dimes and some pocket lint in a restaurant, except with that little extra personal FU flare.

And people wonder why I lose faith in humanity a little more every year.

Alone in the Dark

It never really occurs to me how much I depend on electricity more so than when the power cuts out. Its like somebody takes a knitting needle and pops that perfect bubble of resource consuming reality. With a final bang! from the stereo speakers, there I am, no sounds, no music, no talking, nada. The crickets, frogs and other assorted nighttime noise making creatures seem unaffected by such things. In fact, if anything they seem more invigorated and lively, as if now they finally have a captive audience and they must play their symphonic concerto as if their little lives depend on it. Then I remember watching Animal Planet, and their lives DO depend on it.

It slightly amuses me that even in the dark, I reference TV for mundane things.

Normally when the power goes out, somebody in the room says something along the lines of "just perfect" or "great..." or if you live in my house, any number of brightly colored adjectives that describe our thoughts about the power cutting out. But I was home alone watching TV when the power went out a few nights ago and for a few minutes, I didn't really say or do anything. I just sort of sat there in the dark and stared off into the black abyss that was now my living room. Almost as if the boob tube held a peice of my consciousness inside it when the power went out and now comcast was just holding my soul hostage. If the power never came back on I'd be stuck sitting on the couch crosseyed and devoid of conscious thought.

Soon I twitch and even blink. Not long after that my body stirs and I can look around. It's like a new awakening. Gone is the familiar hum of the 100 AMPs of power coursing through the walls of the house like blood through veins. Gone is the sound of bad acting and commercials convincing me to ask my doctor about viagra, penis enlargement pills, or purple pill fucking nexium. And for one moment I'm glad I don't have to listen to another commercial about throw away mopping pads and toilet bowl brushes that remind me about how irresponsible companies are fucking us out of our civilization's future.

After about five minutes of quiet reflection and bliss, I realize - damn those crickets and frogs are really fucking loud. Plus, I'm bored. There is no light, I couldn't even read if I wanted to. I have no idea where a flashlight is if we even have one. I have candles and no matches. I don't really do any portable gaming and my feet smell. So much for taking a shower. Man they really stink, how did I not notice that before? And those damn frogs and crickets are REALLY LOUD!!! There must be 5000 of them camped DIRECTLY outside the window!

Then I hear a noise outside, like a rustling in leaves, which is probably a snake, but just then I notice a jogger run by in the dark and my spider sense starts tingling with that little robot screaming "Danger Will Robinson!" This is it, they are comming for the cleansing. I am witness to my last few moments and should cling to them like that frog choking that pelican to death as the bird gets ready to eat him with a caption that says "Never Give Up!"

After about an hour of overactive imagination considering things anywhere from "They're comming to get me" to "I wish I could see more stars" or "I bet Brazil is nice this time of year.", I am mentally exhausted. I call my wife using my cell phone which I found after knocking just about every lamp and knick-knack off the coffee and end-tables. I inform her that the power is out and there is no storm or bad weather and that her shows won't be recording tonight. She seems disappointed and hopes she can play Devil May Cry 3 on the Playstation2 when she gets off work. I tell her my feet stink and she says "that's okay sweetie, you'll be fine sleeping on the couch if you can't shower."

After exchanging our I love you's I hang up the phone, let out a deep sigh and roll over and try to get some sleep. I really should learn to be more at home without all this technology anyway. Counter-Strike isn't a sport, Azeroth and Morrowind aren't real vacation destinations and the Stargate program doesn't exist. As a kid I wasn't allowed to watch much TV and was perfectly happy running around in the woods and fields behind our house climing trees and lost in my own imaginary places of Grimm. Thinking back on fond childhood memories and vowing to get out more, I start to drift off to an early bedtime.

In true Jim fashion, nothing ever stays the same long. The power flicks back on, all the lights and the TV turn on, devices start whirring the walls start humming once again. Its like a circus of noise that drowns out the crickets and frogs which I just got used to listening to. All my senses were so slammed I half expected a clown to do a cartwheel in front of my wide startled eyes.

I get up and wander around turning off lights I didn't remember turning on in the first place and sit down in front of the TV. My short attention span fixated on the changing colors and lights once again happily lost in an episode of Futurama. My previous musings about being content without electricity are just a distant mirage in the back of my mind. Besides, the bikes have been sitting so long in the garage, spiders have taken up residence. Who am I to break up a happy home?

The Unholy Menace

Not much has been happening lately. Just been amusing myself with the computer games I have, but mostly just to avoid the mundane chores of cleaning the house. We finally finished cutting the baseboards for our bedroom redesign. After we are done with this little project, it will be sweet as hell. Owning a house is a lot of work, but a lot of fun.

It was a nice night, so we opened all the windows. There's nothing like a good breeze. I was feeling good so I asked my wife if we could watch a movie while working on cutting the baseboards. We had just borrowed House of 1000 Corpses, so into the DVD player it goes and we get to work, cutting up boards while the actors cut up bodies.

I think we scared our neighbors. Shortly after we started watching they all ran inside, closed the windows and bolted the doors. They probably began praying for our salvation. We live in a pretty quiet neighborhood with seemingly nice neighbors. I think they may all be religious because when I wake up at like noonish on Sunday, I am barely scratching my ass when I notice some of them comming home from somewhere all dressed up nice and fancy.

I have an update on my other neighbors, the one young guy (late twenties) and his new wife who are staying with his retired parents while they get on their feet, is really nice to me. Him and his wife always smile brightly and give a hearty hello. I know it can't be that I look good naked, but may very well be they think I am a psychopath (read: My Nemesis).

Between the movie choices I have (Harry Potter, anything with Zombies, Vampires and ass kickings), my hatred of the morning sun and the hilarity that becomes my life when I am woken up too early by crazed birds, I think I am truely the Unholy Menace of the neighborhood. An uneducated new age heathen. My white collar clothes are my sheepskin with which I used to make a pact with the devil in order to become a member of this established neighborhood. One without the correcting arm of an all asshole home owner association. I half-expect someone to wander over and try to convert me to their secret suburban society, the one that has kept them safe for 20 years. Like a bad xfiles episode or the stepford wives, if I were to refuse, they would all gather at my doorstep with torches and pitchforks ready for a cleansing!

...back in reality...

The sun is shining and the breeze is relaxing as I sit in the living room watching out the picture window in the front where everything on our little cul de sac is really peaceful. People go about their own business oblivious to the fact that my own personal apocolypse is occurring in my head. Maybe I've just watched too many movies. Of course, that's what they want me to think. Then, just when I let my defenses down...

Highlight of the Day

If you have ever played an FPS game of any kind, you'll enjoy this. If you have ever played BF1942 or BF2 you'll love this:

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3097

It is probably the funniest most accurate depiction of every public gaming server for BF2 on the internet (and some of the private ones too).

If you aren't a gamer, you might not find it as funny.

Best Laid Plans

So this weekend was like most others - house chores, laundry, video games - with an added twist of having to decide between relatives and work related issues. It wasn't even my work related issues, it was my wife's.

The story starts around my cousin's graduation. My wife and I couldn't make it to MN because I couldn't get the time off work. I figured no big deal, I'd send a card, everything would be peachy. Then he said he was having a get together on the weekend of July 23rd.

My wife's company picnic was on July 30th. Several weeks pass and we get an invitation - "My Cousin's Grad Party II" (sounds like a leisure suit larry episode) was also on the 30th.

Shit, now what.

I was torn between wanting to visit family but also financial continuance. On my wife's review they said she needs to socialize more with the team. Whatever the hell that means. So we figured the picnic was the best opportunity to engage in said activity.

So, genius that I am I figure we can go to both. Let's just say, trying to do 2 things at once leaves you not really doing either very well.

As I was contemplating Saturday's activities and how I could have better maximized the time, a little flying ant landed on my keyboard. Being that I was deep in thought my first instinct of - AHHH! BUG!! SMASH!! - was repressed and I decided to use a screw driver and poke at it lazily. The damned thing turned and attacked the screw driver. I don't mean inspected it, I mean wanted to tear it apart. So I poked it with my finger from the other direction. Well it must be having the worst possible day an ant can be having because I probably weigh a million times more than it does and it turned and flew at my face and bit me.

Being the strong man that I am I did what anyone would do when confronted with an angry insect assault: I screamed like a 12 year old girl, threw my headset in the direction of the ant, fell backward in my chair, & lost my robe trying to do the "get it off me dance".

Searching for the ant, it had occurred to me that my opportunity to smash it or to exact any sort of revenge for being bit in the face had come and gone. My hesitation left me with an empty feeling of being violated by an insect.

Advice for the week: When you see a bug, trust your instinct of AHH!! BUG!! SMASH!!! Don't be that jackass in every movie that reaches out to touch the creature that looks small and harmless, it just might kill you. "Aw, look how cute he is!" *CHOMP* o_O

My Nemesis

Let me preface this by saying I am not an animal hater by any stretch of the imagination, but I'll be damned if that woodpecker will get the best of me.

My wife and I live in a 2 story wood house that is surrounded by hundreds of trees. More trees than blades of grass it seems. We live in the city or rual area, whatever you call it, backed against a Nature Preserve (Michigan term for swamp / undevelopable land).

Every morning between 5am and 6am there is a rapid 'tap tap tap' on the wall outside my bedroom. This one woodpecker lands on the side of the house right next to my head (2nd floor bedroom). I used to bang on the wall and he'd fly away, but we must have some tasty bugs in the side of the house because he is back everyday and more persistent than ever, while less and less scares him.

Two+ weeks of this go by, every morning we bang on the wall and he stops, listens and continues. I think I even saw him once land on the window ledge and peek in. My one open eye shot a sleepy glare in his direction. I swear to god, he smiled mischieviously at me, flew back around the side of the house and started pecking again.

Boom! Like a flash I shot up outta bed, out the door, down the stairs leaving my wife sitting up sleepily wondering where the hell I was going.

So I'm in the yard looking for that damn woodpecker, but alas he has flown off into the woods, probably watching from a safe distance camoflauged in the trees. Then I hear a car door shut and the turning of a key. It's one of my neighbors going to work. He probably would have said hello except for the fact that I am standing in wet grass, 6:30 in the morning, fully naked, holding a BB-gun and looking up at the side of my house and searching the trees for apparently, something to kill.

The fact I had forgot my robe or any clothing what-so-ever hadn't occurred to me in my frenzied half-sleep rampage out of the house. The birds weren't chirping that morning, they were laughing their collective asses off.

I went back into the house with what was left of my dignity and when I told my wife that I think someone might have seen a crazed naked man running out of a house with a BB-gun in the wee hours of the morning, she laughed so hard, she couldn't get back to sleep. Neither could I. I kept thinking I'd have to explain that someday and I could hear the conversation play out in my head. Ever tried to explain that you aren't a hairy savage that hunts his breakfast in the morning with nothing but a birthday suit on? Me either. Yet.

Damn woodpecker...

Shit Balls

Is this thing on? What do you know, my first blog.

First Post!!

... hate those people.

Anyway, cool beans, now I get to post my opinions on the interweb where millions of people can read about it and not care what I have to say!

Sweet! >_<